Healer

For all of you that have already read this note three times, I apologize :).  But I need to have this on my blog as opposed to just on Facebook.  I've changed it slightly to update the details.  I think it's my favorite blog I've ever written, and it's more true today than it has EVER been before.

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On average, I invent a new word every two or three days. I used to have a little section on my wall at work called "Words That Aren't Words But Should Be" so that the world could enjoy the verbal ridiculousness that I [and some friends] would create on a day-to-day basis... such as "radicality," "ventation" and "logisticalizing." But I think one of my favorite original fictitious words has to be the testimamy.

The testimamy was invented about seven or eight years ago. And, although the word itself is humorous, the circumstances surrounding its invention were not. I was struggling, badly, in various aspects of my life. I was still coming to church, and I'd be able to get through worship and the message... but there was one thing became just too much for me to handle: testimonies. I know that sounds kind of messed up, but it was incredibly frustrating to me when someone would get up and share a testimony. It was frustrating because I started to notice that the testimonies would all have the same structure - something bad was happening, God stepped in and fixed it, and now everything is wonderful. They were clean, complete, all wrapped up in a nice box and a tasteful bow. It's not that I wasn't grateful for what God had done in their lives - but nothing resonated with me. I began to long for a testimony that wasn't so... pretty. Maybe even an incomplete one. A testimony where someone spoke out from the MIDST of their pain rather than after the storm had passed - someone who could speak to me where I was rather than calling out to me from the other side and telling me I'd get there eventually. A messy testimony. I almost decided to call it a "messtimony," but figured that was a little too negative - so, since it was a desire that I felt was very specific to me, I decided to call it a testimamy. I liked it.

Well, I've come full circle - because I have a testimamy to share with you all today. And it's my prayer that this messy, work-in-progress, half-finished, slightly uncomfortable declaration of God's awesomeness will reach someone who's still in the midst themselves.

HEALER

For over the past two years, I have been battling with some major health issues. I've been to the ER at least twice, been operated on twice, visited a total of eight different doctors, underwent more medical tests than I can count, paid over $3500 in medical bills [so far]... all of which resulted in the doctors combining their medical expertise and arriving at the profound conclusion of "we have no idea what's wrong with you."

As you can probably imagine, this has been a very difficult process to endure on many levels: physically, emotionally, spiritually. I’ve wrestled and analyzed and debated over what the Bible really says about healing… wrestled with how I should be praying… wrestled with why God might be allowing this to continue – but to be perfectly honest most of the wrestling was very surface. My tendency is always to just suck it up, lock it in, take the hit and move on to the next – that has always been safer than allowing those deep, “bad Christian” questions to surface and potentially wreak havoc on my theology.

I would have made a great Vulcan.

And I’d gotten pretty good at the SULITHMO method [suck up, lock in, take hit, move on] so that kept me for a few months – until a young adult conference that I helped out with back in March 2010 with the transitions ministry at the Brooklyn Tabernacle. As we were preparing for the conference with the worship team, our worship leader at that time found a song that he wanted to do called “Healer.” I wasn’t familiar with the song, and I remember sitting down at worship team rehearsal and getting the lyrics and singing through the song for the first time…

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
You heal all my disease

I trust in You, I trust in You

I believe You’re my Healer
I believe You are all I need

I think I made it to the “you heal all my disease” line before SULITHMO finally failed. Those nagging doubts, fears and questions that I’d been beating back for months finally broke through and I sat there and cried silently while the rest of the team finished the song. Even after I pulled myself together and we tried the song again, my mouth refused to form the words. “You heal all my disease” – that’s scripture [Psalm 103] – but my life wasn’t lining up with that scripture. “I believe You’re my Healer” – really? Was it my lack of faith, as some people had tried to tell me, that was preventing my own healing from taking place? Do I really believe?

I went home that night broken and confused – and it didn’t help that I was struggling physically throughout that entire rehearsal. I thought maybe I’d be able to do better at our final rehearsal the next week – but it was the same thing. I tried to block out all emotion just so that I could get through the song, but that was even worse. I knew that I couldn’t be fake up there, but I also knew that I was not able to truly worship that song. I finally told the worship team at the end of rehearsal and we prayed – not for my healing, but for God to do whatever was necessary so that I could worship that song from my heart. Singing that song onstage during that conference was one of the most difficult worship experiences that I’ve ever had – but God did answer that prayer and gave me the grace to offer up that song through my pain.

But there was still no resolution… that song still haunted me with its unanswered questions and taunts as I continued to battle with the physical pain. Before I left for a missions trip to the Philippines in June of that same year, I asked for one of the pastors to anoint me with oil and pray over me as it says to do in James 5. We believed together with several of the deacons that I would have no stomach problems at all overseas and that I would come back healed and restored. And I wish I could tell you that’s exactly what happened – but it wasn’t. I battled through the majority of the trip and came back extremely sick. It was almost two full weeks before I was back on my feet again.

And it was during that time that, almost out of the blue, God began to speak to me about “Healer.” It wasn’t an instant drop of understanding or a lightbulb-over-the-head moment of revelation. It was a slow, gradual, gentle whispering that unlocked this song for me, and here’s what it was.

This song is not about healing.

Um…psst…the song is called HEALER.

Yes, yes, I know. But this song is not about healing. The song is first and foremost about God. It’s about who He is. And who He is does not change regardless of whether or not I’ve personally experienced this aspect of His character in a particular situation. He is Jehovah Rapha – always has, and always will be. This song is not saying “I believe that You will heal me.” It’s saying “I believe you ARE my Healer.” It’s glorifying Him for who He is – and I can do that regardless of whether I’ve been healed or not. But even more than that… not only is this song about God, this song is about trust. I took a look at the lyrics again and realized that half of the lyrics aren’t even talking about healing.

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
You heal all my disease

Call me crazy, but it almost seems like the fourth line doesn’t even belong. It’s acknowledging first that God is very, very present in my situation – every moment of my life is personally held by God. It’s praising God as the peace-giver as He calms the storms that take place in our minds. It’s declaring that God does not leave us in the midst of our troubles, or throw a test in our faces and then step back to judge how well we do. No, He is walking with us through every trial – never leaving us, never abandoning us, holding our hands, saying “don’t give up, I’m with you, you can do this, trust Me to take you through…”

Oh, and also He heals all our diseases.

Right?!? It’s like the song flipped on its head! But it doesn’t stop there – even the chorus that holds the song title has this element of trust magnified even over healing:

I believe You’re my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You’re my portion
I believe You’re more than enough for me

One line about healing… three lines about His grace being sufficient. And the culmination of it all comes in the bridge. In music, many times the bridge of a song contains a new dimension of the song’s focus – it takes the chorus to a new level. And the bridge of this song is no exception:

Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

And I think it was here where it finally all came together. Yes, God wants me to continue to sing the first line – to continue to believe Him for my healing – to believe that, regardless of doctors’ reports, He is able to heal me with one touch. He desires that I continue to proclaim that nothing is impossible for my God. But at the same time, He is asking that I also sing the second line. That I surrender control and surrender my need to understand and simply raise my hands to Him and sing, “God… You hold my world in Your hands. Whatever You choose to do is right, and is best for me. My world is Yours, not mine.”

This is a testimamy because I have not yet received healing in my body. I still struggle with my theology on healing. I still resort to SULITHMO at times when it gets too overwhelming. But boy, can I worship this song now – in fact, it’s become one of my absolute favorites. And I can almost see the devil squirm every time I belt it out.

Faith and submission. Belief and surrender. Boldly declaring and quietly trusting. Sounds impossible.

[Cue bridge].