one

one

 

i have heard

“i am only one

yet i am still one”

but

i am still only one.

i wish i were more than one.

i have heard

“the need is the call”

if the need were the call

i would be in

israel meeting with secret believers

uganda helping prevent the abduction of children

thailand working to stop the sex trade

north korea smuggling Bibles

papua new guinea sharing the gospel

afghanistan encouraging defeated soldiers

the philippines feeding starving children

kenya guyana haiti china congo saudi arabia india iraq sudan

oh

and brooklyn

i don’t like hearing about need

around the world anymore

not because i want to close my eyes

but because i want to open them

and am forced to close them

because i cannot help all of them

i don’t like seeing homeless people

cold and begging for money

not because i want to ignore them

but because i want to rescue them

and am forced to ignore them

because I cannot help all of them

i don’t like that i am one

the needs of the world

are too great

for me to be

one

i have 300 children

and cannot meet

a fraction of their needs

i am overwhelmed by

their loss

their pain

their choices

i give them what i can

but it is not enough

i don’t like that i am one

the needs of my children

are too great

for me to be

one

i know that it is God

who makes change

but He has called us

He has called me

one

i am not content to just

do something

something is not enough

something is too small

there is too much need for something

i have heard

“i am only one

yet i am still one”

but

i am still only one.

i wish i were more than one.

despite what i wish…

i AM only one.

so what will this one do?

i cannot be more than one

so i can only make sure

my one

counts.

that my one is not just something

for the sake of something

because it is better than

nothing

no

though my one cannot be

everything

it can be everything it can be

so here i am

one

ready to be counted.

Still Wrestling

These issues are "old."  The wrestling is not.  As I continue to wrestle, I re-post this blog originally written in August 2010 as a response to some "current events" taking place at that time.  Upon re-reading, I found that I feel more strongly about everything I wrote in this post than I did even at the time I wrote it.  One of the pastors at my church [Brooklyn Tabernacle] that I work very closely with said that one of his goals this year is to help non-Christians view Christians differently.  I'm down with that.  Read below and you'll see why.

***

AUGUST 2010

One of my biggest pet peeves is so-called “churchianity.” I’m sure that many people have their own definition of this term, but I take it to mean religiosity without heart. Christian clichés without compassion. Catch-phrases that are thrown around without a thought as to whether or not they’re even biblical. Knowing how to orchestrate a conversation, or a prayer, or a service or a song in a way that might elicit an emotional reaction but falls short of any real transaction with God. And if you think that this note is going to be some rant blasting “fakers” in the church – please. The reason why this is such a pet peeve of mine is because, more often than not, the offending party is myself. I’m constantly catching myself falling into the trap of churchianity – and I at least thank God that He’s helping me to extricate myself as quickly as possible when I become aware of it. And it’s because I’m so sensitive to my own hypocrisy that I find myself being aware when it manifests in those around me and even society in general. I personally believe that it is one of the most destructive forces [if not the most destructive] that exist in the Christian world today – and one of the primary factors that hinder the spread of the Good News. Brennan Manning once said this:

“The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians – who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. THAT is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.”

Now, I’m not an advanced apologist or theologian, nor am I well-versed in the current trends of Christianity in America today. But from my limited amount of knowledge and the people that I’ve had conversations with – Christianity in American today has a horrible reputation. It just does. And the two most common objections that I’ve heard said as to why people have no interest in becoming Christians are: “Christians are narrow-minded, judgmental, anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-this, anti-that”…. or…. “it all just seems really fake to me.” Notice that these objections have nothing to do with Jesus. The objections to Christianity are focused on Christians.

This morning, I saw four different posts that set off a wrestling match inside of me about my own Christian walk as it pertains to this issue. I feel compelled to share two of them with you [with the other two to come as part of another note at another time] – not as a means of eliciting guilt or being confrontational – but as a means of allowing you to wrestle along with me and maybe even open up a dialogue of what we can do about it.


FACEBOOK POST #1: Anne Rice Quits Being a Christian
http://life.nationalpost.com/2010/08/05/father-raymond-j-de-souza-anne-rice-wants-christ-without-the-christianity/

Superquick Background: Anne Rice used to write vampire novels. She decided around ten years ago to return to the Catholic faith of her childhood. Last week, she made this statement: ““Today I quit being a Christian. I’m out. I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being ‘Christian’ or to being part of Christianity. It’s simply impossible for me to ‘belong’ to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group.”

After giving her props for the use of “disputatious,” my immediate first thought was defensive. I mentally gave her a thumbs-down on her theology – after all, one cannot base one’s theological viewpoint on the appearance of others who “claim” to be following that same theology. There are just too many confounding variables that refute that logic – a high percentage of those individuals used as a reference are [statistically speaking] probably not “really” Christians – the fact that Christians still sin all the time as we’re all in different stages of our sanctification process, etc. My second thought was anger and frustration at “those Christians” who were the cause of Ms. Rice deciding to slap the “quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious and deservedly infamous” label on followers of Christ worldwide.

But then my third thought set off some squirming, as God quickly turned my mental finger-pointing back to where it belonged – myself. My walk. My community. Sure, I might not be picketing with “God hates gays” signs or blowing up abortion clinics in the name of Christianity… but what am I doing? If Christian means “follower of Christ,” can I wear that label with any kind of life-proved authority? Am I known more for what I’m against than what I’m for? Am I more concerned with accomplishing tasks than loving people? And if I am… then I’m just as responsible for validating Anne Rice’s decision than those who overtly smear Christ’s name. Don’t get me wrong – her decision is her own and obviously was made for deeper reasons than simply not liking the choices of a few Christians that she knows. She is solely responsible for her own choices and decisions. But it’s just like I tell my REMIXers when we’ve talked about purity. I tell the girls – “look, guys are solely responsible for guarding their eyes and heart against lust. But if you go walking down Fulton Street with 80% of your skin showing – are you making it easy or hard for them to do that?” Same way here – people are solely responsible for their decisions for or against Christ. But as Christians, are our own actions paving the way for someone to come to know God – or are we actually standing in the way of it?


FACEBOOK POST #2: Proposition 8
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/05/us/05prop.html

Superquick Background: In 2008, California passed [with 52% of the vote] Proposition 8, a constitutional amendment that banned same-sex marriage, declaring that “only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.” Last week, a federal judge in California [Vaughn R. Walker] overturned Prop 8 citing that it was unconstitutional because it discriminates against gay men and women. Appeals are now in progress.

First of all, everyone relax. For whatever reason, I’ve found that bringing up the issue of homosexuality in a Christian setting often elicits the same reaction as someone saying “bomb” on an airplane – but I don’t intend to have a theological discussion on this issue at present. What got me wrestling this morning wasn’t so much the theological implications of Prop 8, but rather how the Christian community is reacting to Prop 8. A number of my Facebook friends – both gay and straight, Christian and non-Christian – posted different articles, thoughts, statuses [stati?] regarding this issue – and I applaud that. I applaud discussing, sharing, voicing opinions over difficult issues rather than burying our heads in the sand and pretending they don’t exist. I looked specifically through the posts by my Christian friends, and noticed that some of them were well-written and thoughtful, while others were, honestly, downright offensive. And the thought came to me – if I were LGBT [lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender] and I read some of these FB postings… would they point me to Christ or make me want to have nothing to do with Him?

Now, before any uproar ensues and the can of worms explodes all over our computer screens, let me make a couple of statements. First, as stated before, I’m wrestling with these issues. I don’t know all the answers – I’m simply being honest enough to ask the questions. And my question really is: how should we, as the Christian community, be reacting to this latest political development in a way that would honor and glorify God?

Well… let’s think Biblically here. When asked what the greatest commandment of all was, Jesus replied as follows: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments” [Matthew 22:37-40]. And elsewhere in Scripture [John 14:15], Jesus says that a sign that shows that we love Him is our obedience to His commands. So in EVERYTHING that we do, we have two commands – to love God [and one way we do that is through upholding His law], and love other people.

So what does that mean? Well…
1) If we uphold God’s law, but neglect loving other people as we do it – we’re wrong.
2) If we love other people but neglect to keep the commands that God’s given us – we’re wrong.

People always used to use WWJD [What Would Jesus Do?] as one of those Christian catch-phrases, and I would laugh because my answer to that question was always “I have no idea.” Jesus was constantly doing things that people would have found unpredictable – I mean, come on, an adulterous woman is thrown down at his feet by a crowd bent on stoning her… WWJD? Well, of course, He’d bend down and start writing on the ground with a stick.

Yeah. That was gonna be my NEXT guess.

If I were going to redefine that phrase to make it a little easier to work with, I’d probably opt for “What WOULDN’T Jesus Do?” Adulterous woman example? What WOULDN’T Jesus do? Well, He definitely wouldn’t pick up a stone and hurl it at her. He definitely wouldn’t just gloss over her sin and tell her to continue on doing whatever she felt like. See how much easier this is?

But, as I close [lol], I’m trying to somehow apply this principle to this current debate over Prop 8. What Would Jesus Do? I honestly don’t know. But I’m pretty sure at least what He wouldn’t do – I don’t think He’d be posting messages with slurs towards LGBTs. I’m pretty sure that He wouldn’t dismiss any mention of human rights with “whatever, they’re just sinners.” I also don’t think that He’d be applauding it – because He cannot deny what His own Word says about marriage. But neither do I think He’d be silent – the Jesus that I read about in my Bible was VERY much an activist. The only thing that I do know is that He would uphold truth with the utmost love. And, regardless of how we as Christians choose to respond to this new development – if we want to continue to CALL ourselves Christians – we had better be choosing to do the same.

Healer

For all of you that have already read this note three times, I apologize :).  But I need to have this on my blog as opposed to just on Facebook.  I've changed it slightly to update the details.  I think it's my favorite blog I've ever written, and it's more true today than it has EVER been before.

****

On average, I invent a new word every two or three days. I used to have a little section on my wall at work called "Words That Aren't Words But Should Be" so that the world could enjoy the verbal ridiculousness that I [and some friends] would create on a day-to-day basis... such as "radicality," "ventation" and "logisticalizing." But I think one of my favorite original fictitious words has to be the testimamy.

The testimamy was invented about seven or eight years ago. And, although the word itself is humorous, the circumstances surrounding its invention were not. I was struggling, badly, in various aspects of my life. I was still coming to church, and I'd be able to get through worship and the message... but there was one thing became just too much for me to handle: testimonies. I know that sounds kind of messed up, but it was incredibly frustrating to me when someone would get up and share a testimony. It was frustrating because I started to notice that the testimonies would all have the same structure - something bad was happening, God stepped in and fixed it, and now everything is wonderful. They were clean, complete, all wrapped up in a nice box and a tasteful bow. It's not that I wasn't grateful for what God had done in their lives - but nothing resonated with me. I began to long for a testimony that wasn't so... pretty. Maybe even an incomplete one. A testimony where someone spoke out from the MIDST of their pain rather than after the storm had passed - someone who could speak to me where I was rather than calling out to me from the other side and telling me I'd get there eventually. A messy testimony. I almost decided to call it a "messtimony," but figured that was a little too negative - so, since it was a desire that I felt was very specific to me, I decided to call it a testimamy. I liked it.

Well, I've come full circle - because I have a testimamy to share with you all today. And it's my prayer that this messy, work-in-progress, half-finished, slightly uncomfortable declaration of God's awesomeness will reach someone who's still in the midst themselves.

My Bucket List [God Willing]

I've come to realize that I have a lot of pet peeves.  Most of them aren't that serious so I almost wouldn't want to call them pet peeves - just mild annoyances.  And one of these categories of annoyances can best be exemplified by something I've written about on this blog before: the phrase "traveling mercies."

It's not that I dislike the concept of praying for the Lord to keep a person safe as they journey from Point A to Point B - of course I'm in favor of that.  It's just the PHRASE.  It makes no sense!  What is a 'traveling mercy'?  Who on earth came up with that as the phrase that would be spoken by Christians everywhere to denote God's protection while in a moving vehicle?  I won't expound on this because it's not the point of my blog today: but the principle demonstrated here is that there are certain expressions said in the world today where I love the IDEA behind the expression, but the phraseology bothers me.

Which brings me to today's topic: the Bucket List.

For those who don't know, a bucket list is a phrase popularized by a 2007 Rob Reiner film titled [wait for it] "The Bucket List" where two terminally ill men make a list of all the things that they want to do before they die [or 'kick the bucket'], and then set out to do those thing.  This idea was then popularized in mainstream culture, and people began creating their own "bucket lists" that are now posted all over the internet.  I began thinking about bucket lists because there was something about the concept that I liked - setting goals, thinking big, striving to achieve.  But, for me personally - just like 'traveling mercies' - the name definitely leaves something to be desired.  "Kicking the bucket" is just such a final, end-like-sounding term for a life step that is actually just a beginning.  We're actually just living the "pre-life" here on this earth - the actual life begins at the moment we die, and where we spend that life depends completely on how we've dealt with our sin problem here on earth.

But that's another blog post.

I tried to think of an alternate name for "bucket list" for a while today - but everything that I came up with sounded too Annoying-Christian-Hallmark-card-y, so I think I'll just suck it up and get over the name.

But then I started thinking more about this, and realized that there's an element of the CONCEPT of bucket lists that can create tension within our Christian faith.  See, by definition, bucket lists are very "me-focused."  This is a list of things that *I* want to do before I die, these are *MY* goals, this is what *I* desire to achieve... and oftentimes as believers we forget that our lives no longer belong to us.  We no longer have the right to decide what we want to accomplish with our lives - because they are no longer our lives.  "For you are not your own - you were bought with a price," says the author of 1 Corinthians [6:19].  That sounds like slavery, doesn't it?  Yup.  Hence Paul often referring to himself as "a bondslave of Jesus Christ." [e.g. Romans 1:1]  True, full, Biblical Christianity isn't just making a mental assertion that you believe in certain facts laid out in the Bible, and it doesn't stop at receiving your get-out-of-hell-free card when you choose accept the free gift of Christ's righteousness to take the place of your own sin.  True Biblical Christianity as depicted in the Bible is trading a life for a life.  It's saying, "okay Jesus - you gave your life for me, and now I give my entire life back to you.  I am no longer [insert name here] - that man/woman is dead.  You're in charge, you call the shots, you give the directions and I follow them.  You aren't just Savior, you're Lord."  That's the way it's intended to work.  The awesome thing about God, though, is that His choices for us are actually better than anything we could have chosen for ourselves.

But that's also another blog post. 

Here's where the tension can arise though - what if God's plan for us doesn't include some of the things that we have on our own personal bucket lists?  We all have them, whether we've taken the time to write them down or not.  What if we desire to attend an Ivy League school - but God's plan for us involves attending a local community college that may not necessarily be as strong academically?  What if [dare I say it] we desire to get married, but God's plan for our lives requires us to remain single?  Will our faith and our trust in God waver if He doesn't see fit to orchestrate our lives according to our own wants - and do bucket lists potentially set us up for disappointment if God chooses to move in a different direction?

Maybe.

But on the other hand - having no goals or aspirations doesn't seem to line up Biblically either.  I've heard many people quote the famous passage from Proverbs 29:18 - "without vision, my people perish."  I've heard the phrase [though not in the Bible] that says "if you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time."  Using a Biblical example, the apostles were driven men - planning, going, making moves - desiring to see God move in certain ways and then taking action on their part to facilitate Him being able to do so.  They had goals, plans, desires.  Yet on the OTHER hand - I have a hard time seeing Peter, Paul and John sitting around with papyrus and ink saying "okay, so, before I die - I want to go cliff diving."  But hey - you never know! :)

Yes, I'm aware that I now have three hands.

I think that the solution in all of this is not an either-or, but a both-and.  I do believe that it's a good thing to have goals, desires and dreams - so in that sense, I'm all for bucket lists to help bring clarity and order to what our hearts' desires truly are.  But at the same time, we need to make sure that we aren't taking His place as Lord of the Bucket List [hey, a new name of God!]... and that our goals and aspirations are surrendered to Him, both the great and the small.


In other words: The Bucket List [God Willing].  Now THAT'S a new title I could potentially get behind.

And what I've found for myself is that the closer I get to the Lord, the shorter my bucket list becomes.  To be honest - I'm at a point now where don't really have anything that I absolutely have to do before I start eternal life.  I just want to be able to say that I've given everything I had for the sake of the gospel, and that I brought as many people with me into heaven as I possibly could.  The rest of my Bucket-List-God-Willing is really secondary.  There isn't anything on this list that will break my heart if I don't get to do it - but it was fun to come up with some things that would be pretty cool if they happened!

So, to end this post, here's my list.  It's still a work-in-progress.  Some of these things are just for fun, others are more serious.  Hope you enjoy and maybe even get inspired to write your own!  And may we echo David's sentiment when it comes to our true heart's deepest desires: "One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple" [Psalm 27:4-5].

******

My Bucket List [God Willing]

• Go to New Zealand
• Go to South Africa
• Go to Disney World
• Skydive
• Smuggle a Bible [or several]
• Write a book [or several]
• Join a dance team
• Go to the Olympics
• See the Grand Canyon
• Play cricket
• Learn the drums
• Ride "Millennium Force" at Cedar Point
• Write a worship song [or several]
• Learn to breakdance
• Drive on Route 66
• Learn Hebrew & Arabic
• Go on a safari
• Save someone's life
• See the Northern Lights
• See a meteor shower
• Bike a century [100-mile ride]
• Float in the Dead Sea
• Ride the London Millennium Eye
• Give a genuine prophecy from the Lord to another person
• Coach volleyball, softball or basketball
• Memorize at least three entire New Testament books of the Bible
• Donate a total of 5,000 Bibles to Christians in persecuted nations [I'm currently at 215 :)]
• Go to North Korea [yes, really]
• See a solar and a lunar eclipse
• Visit Italy
• Stand at the Four Corners
• Understand the stock market and start investing
• Fly first class
• See an angel
• Own a dishwasher
• Write a play and see it performed
• Go to the Super Bowl
• Lay hands on the sick and witness a miraculous healing
• Learn a martial art/self-defense

Stones

I was listening to a song by Jason Upton called “Stones” this morning.  Now, if you’re not familiar with Jason Upton – he is one of the most unique worship leaders that I’ve ever encountered.  If I had to classify him in a genre, I’d probably put him into the “prophetic worship” category, which I understand means that I’ve lost at least ten of you reading because there’s a lot of craziness and silliness that is also labeled in that category.  But from listening to his music [I have 13 of his CDs] and also from seeing him twice live, I truly believe that he is someone who literally sings prophetically – singing God’s right-now heart over the people who are listening.  As you'll hear if you listen to "Stones," a good deal of the time he writes/sings spontaneously - this song wasn't written before he started singing it live, and it was only recorded once.  If you’re interested in starting to listen to him, let me know so that I can direct you to one of the more ‘normal’ albums first :).  He takes some getting used to :).

So anyway, I’m listening to “Stones,” which is one of those songs that made me say, “what on earth is THIS??” the first ten or so times that I heard it.  [This is not abnormal when listening to Jason Upton.]  But a couple of years ago, somewhere around the eleventh time that I heard the song – something just JUMPED out at me and smacked me in the face and it became one of the most profound songs that I’ve ever heard.  This song isn’t Scripture, obviously – but the principles that he talks about are Biblically sound and there are plenty of Scriptures that can reinforce them.

He starts off the song by singing “in the midst of the Presence, there’s the stones.” If you’re scratching your head and saying “huh?” – you’re in good company. But let me take you through it as it became clear to me…

He goes on to talk about the stone that the world’s rejected – the chief cornerstone. So okay, this isn’t too bad – he’s saying that in the midst of the presence of God, we find Christ.  So far, so good, right?  Then he starts saying that the stone kills the giant.  Okayyyyy, so now we’ve got David & Goliath imagery here alongside of Christ imagery… so… the stone (which is Christ) is found in the presence of God, and even though that stone is what the world has rejected, it’s that very stone that we’ve been given to use to kill the giants in our lives.

Deep… deep… but he’s not done.

Then he starts defining the stone in another way – yes, it is Christ – but then he also begins to define the stone as the way of the Lord, the fear of the Lord. And “fear” not meaning terror or anxiety – meaning complete awe of the majesty and glory of God that produces in us absolute honor, respect, reverence and confidence.

Well, that definitely makes sense in the David & Goliath context.  When David picked up those stones to kill the giant, I always used to think “wow, that took an ENORMOUS amount of faith to do that!”  But now I think a little differently.  Of course, yes, it still did take an enormous amount of faith – but I don’t think David saw it that way.  I think that David feared [respected, revered, honored] the Lord so much… and his view of God because of that fear was so BIG… that it felt perfectly normal for him to grab five stones and a sling to take down the man that had paralyzed the entire Israelite army.

Think about it in terms of our own lives.  When we’re afraid or hesitant to do something, it’s usually because of a lack of confidence in the outcome.  I remember at the transitions retreat watching people completely freak out before going on the Giant Swing [literally exactly what it sounds like if you aren’t familiar] because it looked so intimidating… so high… so dangerous.  And then I watched those same people come back the following year, and the following, and by the third or fourth year they were strolling up to that swing with total swag and zero fear.  What changed?  The swing didn’t.  No, their confidence level in that swing did.  They had experienced it for themselves time and time again and they began to truly know that the swing was not going to fail them.

And David, after he had experienced the Lord for himself on so many other occasions, had gained that same confidence.  This was the same God who had helped him kill a lion and bear that threatened his flock – so why would this “uncircumcised Philistine” be any different?  To David, picking up those stones wasn’t this huge, gutsy move – it was logical.  His fear of God, his confidence in God, was so big that he couldn’t even understand why the Israelite army was even afraid of this guy.

In other words – because he feared the Lord… he feared nothing else.

So back to our song… in the midst of the presence of God, we find the stone – which is Christ, because it’s only through Christ that we even have access to God – but specifically, we’re asked to PICK UP the stone that the whole world has rejected – which denotes picking up the fear of God. And it’s in picking that up that we… WE… are able to kill giants.

My absolute favorite, favorite line in this song is this:

There it is!!
In the midst of the Presence, the giant-killer
It’s the way of the fear of the Lord
Pick it up!

I love how there’s even an element of revelation in the song itself – as if suddenly a light switch had been turned on.  “There it is!”  “Hey look, here’s our weapon!”  If we would truly, truly, truly learn to fear God… there is absolutely NOTHING that would cause us fear in our lives, and there would be no giant that could not be taken down.  We would go anywhere, do anything for the Lord no matter how crazy or radical or even dangerous.  There would be nothing that Satan could hold over our heads and say “ah, but I’m holding you back here.” But this fear of the Lord, according to this song, isn’t just something that is given to all Christians just because they’re saved.

We have to pick it up.

And one of those most interesting things that this song brings out is HOW we do that.  Not by striving.  Not by begging God to give it to us [although prayer plays a role].  In fact, it’s not so much a HOW, but a WHERE… in the midst of the Presence. Intimacy.  Solitude.  Time sitting before God and just simply KNOWING Him.  I can imagine that this was probably imparted to David during the many long hours he spent alone with his harp and his God as he tended the sheep.  The fear of the Lord isn’t something that we can achieve, it’s something that must be imparted to us – and the only way for impartation to happen is through sustained intimacy.  And it’s not a quick process, for those of you who are like me and are long-sufferingly-challenged.  As much as we’d like spiritual growth and understanding to happen like Neo’s kung-fu instant download in The Matrix – it doesn’t most of the time.  But it’s only through this process that we can begin to truly experience the fear of God – which not only is a giant-killer, but also the beginning of wisdom… which is another blog post entirely :).

Do you have giants in your life?  Are there circumstances on the outside, or strongholds on the inside, that seem absolutely impossible to defeat?  Are you battling the same battle over and over again to the point where you’ve actually began to accept it as simply part of who you are?  Don’t do it!  There is no giant that can’t be brought down with the right stones – and that very stone is the fear of God that is found in His Presence through Christ. 

If the giant is internal – the fear of God is absolutely the answer. If we fear God truly, we cannot fear or desire anything else but Him.  Through a true, genuine fear of the Lord – other strongholds/temptations/desires will just naturally fall by the wayside.  We won’t have to strive and wrestle – we will no longer even DESIRE those things once the fear of God has taken its rightful place in our hearts.  If the giant is external – there’s no guarantee that the fear of God will instantly solve whatever problem you face – but God is more interested in changing your character than changing your circumstances.  In His Presence, YOU will change.  Your circumstances will no longer affect your joy or your praise when you truly pick up the fear of the Lord, and you will be able to boast in your afflictions as Paul did – because you will delight that His power is actually perfected and brought to fulfillment through those very circumstances.  Your circumstances will be the very thing that will bring Him glory – and with the fear of the Lord, that alone will be your deepest desire.  And once that happens, whether the external circumstance changes or not, the giant has been slain.

It’s such a simple thing, a stone.  It’s no wonder that the world has rejected it.  But it’s waiting for us if we are willing to look for it.  That first line now makes a little more sense…. “in the midst of the Presence, there’s the stones.”  And those stones can only be found there – the fear of God can only be found in the presence of God.  It cannot be taught or even caught – it must be imparted from the Lord Himself.

I believe that a true, genuine fear of God is the only thing that will be able to truly change US, our ministries, our city, our nation and our world.  I’m so far from it.  At times I feel like it’s almost unattainable.  But most of the time, when that feeling occurs, it’s because I’m not spending enough time in the Presence… so the stones seem distant and small.

Are you, like me, tired of being intimidated by your giants?  Do you strive to be like David and not the Israelite army?  Enter into His presence through the name of Jesus and pick up the stones… the fear of the Lord… and watch those giants begin to fall.

from Jason Upton's 2005 album "Open Up The Earth."

Background vocals by Jason's wife Rachel Upton.

Lyrics below are often repeated, only main lyrics are written.

Listen to "Stones" by clicking here. 

in the midst of the Presence, there’s the stones
in the midst of the Presence, I give you stones
in the midst of the River, I give you stones
that will kill the giant

in the midst of the presence, there’s the stones
that the world’s rejected
that the world’s discarded
in the midst of the presence, there’s the stones
that the world rejected
there’s the stone, the chief cornerstone
in the midst of the presence there’s the stone that the world rejected

and it kills the giant
there’s the stone that killed the giant
do you see what I see?
there’s the stone that the world rejected and it kills the giant

there it is!
pick up the way of the Lord
pick it up!
the way of the Lord
the fear of the Lord

there it is!!
in the midst of the presence, the giant killer
it’s the way of the fear of the Lord
pick it up!

Maybe Someone Knows

I've been thinking a lot lately about the homeless.  It's winter now, and it's cold, and there are thousands of people living in my city that do not have a place to sleep at night - and that bothers me.  I think, in theory, it bothers most of us.  But it's also a complex issue and there aren't any easy solutions - and I've struggled for many years on how Jesus would want us, as Christians, to respond to the issue of homelessness in our city.  I stumbled on this note that I wrote almost four years ago after an experience that I had with a homeless woman, and the end of it pretty much sums up exactly what I would have written if I had encountered her today.  This is not a post with answers.  This is a post with questions, and questions can make us uncomfortable - but if there's one thing I know, it's that God often lives in the uncomfortable.  Maybe through our questioning, we can find Him here.

World Race Envy

As most of you know, my friend Bethsaida left last July to go on a year-long missions trip with an organization called Adventures in Missions.  The trip is called The World Race, and for good reason - the trip involves visiting 11 countries around the world in 11 months!  She's been to Eastern Europe, the Caribbean, Africa, Southeast Asia and the Far East, working and serving along with local ministries.  I've been receiving email updates and reading every article that she's posted about the miracles that God has done in and through her.  But aside from the moments of glory, I've also read about sicknesses that she's had, sleepless nights, train rides from hell, the brokenness of the world and the unimaginable pain and poverty of third-world nations.  And for the past few months, after reading each of these reports and imagining the difficulties that she's facing, I've been finding myself facing an overwhelming and unexpected emotion.

I'd love to say that it was compassion, admiration, empowerment, or even righteous anger... but no.

It's envy.

Envy?  Why on earth would I be envious of what she's had to experience?  Why would I be envious of sickness and difficult living conditions and not having clean water?  Being separated from friends and family for a year to live with people 24/7 that she doesn't even know?  Constant traveling, exhaustion, spiritual warfare?  Am I nuts?

Well, yes, but that's not the point.

The point is that she's LIVING IT.  She's living Christ.  What she, and the other World Racers are doing is exactly what Jesus did when He was here on earth.  Looking to seek and save that which was lost.  Meeting tangible, physical needs of those He came in contact with - and then addressing the even greater spiritual ones.  Not caught up in doctrinal disputes, worship styles or church hierarchies - but simply going, serving, loving, sharing, weeping, praying and pointing the world to the only One who is able to save it.

I've sat reading many of her posts with tears rolling down my face, wishing that I could drop everything, get on a plane, find a country and start serving.  Please don't get me wrong - I absolutely LOVE the ministry that I have here with BTKIDS! and I adore every one of them dearly.  But I only get to be with the children a few hours a week - and even then the amount of time that I actually get the spend with them is extremely minimal.  Watching Bethsaida live love 24/7 has stirred something inside me that craves more - not more "work," but more Christ.  More giving cups of cold water.  More building homes for children who want to escape from the evils of the sex trade.  More conversations with a young person who is contemplating giving up their purity because no one ever told them they were worth more.

And as I sat and read and contemplated and cried over the past few months, I felt the Lord ask me a poignant question:

"Why do you have to go on an 11-month missions trip to do those things?"

Leave it to the Holy Spirit to just leave you with your mouth hanging open saying, "....uhhhhhhhh...."  But He's right.  The answer, clearly, is "I don't."  But yet... I don't.  I don't live love 24/7 and do the kinds of things that I desire to do overseas right here on my own turf.  And after some thought, I came to a new revelation about missions trips - they're easy.  And before you fall on the floor laughing, let me explain.  I don't mean they are "easy" in terms of the hardships faced, spiritual warfare, physical exhaustion, etc.  I've been on enough trips now to know that they're no joke and that they are extremely hard work.  But I say "they're easy" because they're sprints, not marathons.  You go on a 10-day, 1-month or even 11-month missions trip that has an END.  You get fired up about living love 24/7, constantly looking for ways to bless, encourage, share - and then you do it, and then you come home.  Mission: Accomplished.

But then what?

Most of us who are on trips know that the "high" that trips bring doesn't always last.  Life catches back up with us, and before we know it we're back to the same-old-same-old - looking forward to the next missions trip so that we can do it all over again.  And one danger of missions trips is that sense of "missions is something that we do 'over there'," and the mission ends when the plane lands back at JFK.  But what if... we were able to live with that "missions trip mentality" every single day of our lives?

You know what mentality I'm talking about, those of you who've been on trips.  You and your team are grabbing lunch before heading out to visit an orphanage, and a homeless person comes up to your table and begs for money.  What happens, usually, on a missions trip?  Your team sees the opportunity, invites him to come sit down, buys him lunch and looks for opportunities to share Christ with him.  Makes sense, right?  You're on a missions trip - there's a hyper-vigilance to the Holy Spirit.  Everything is a potential opportunity to make a difference for Christ - that's the mentality of a missions trip.  But now imagine the exact same situation as you and your friends are grabbing lunch in Downtown Brooklyn on a Saturday afternoon, and a homeless person comes up to your table and begs for money.  Same response?  If we're honest... probably not.  When you're on the 41 bus - are you thinking "okay, God, I'm looking for opportunities now to share Your love"?  How 'bout when we're taking a road trip with friends?  Are our thoughts geared first and foremost towards encouraging each other in the Lord and talking about the things of God... as we would be while traveling from place to place on a missions trip?

Going on a ten-day trip and committing for those ten days to allow God to use you in any and every way possible... staying constantly alert and "prayed up"... focusing on team unity... sword-in-hand, ready in and out of season... in some ways, that's "easy."  It's a short-term mission, and it will end.  But committing to living in that mentality EVERY DAY of your life, at your job, at your school, right where you are?  Now that's hard.  A forever missions trip has no end date.

My friend Gabby and I once had this idea that I believe will still happen someday.  It was to sponsor a weeklong missions trip... to New York City.  The planning, preparation and training would be exactly as it would be for a "regular" trip - team meetings, fasting and praying, strategic planning, a guardians team :), etc.  But the majority of the "trip" would be spent at our jobs, in our schools, with our families.  We'd take the "missions trip mentality" and plug it into our everyday lives.  Can you imagine what could happen in that week?  Lunchtime Bible studies could be started in workplaces.  Siblings could be witnessed to.  Homeless people could be taken to lunch and they could hear about the overwhelming love of God for the first time.  No one would have to take any time off of work, buy plane tickets or pack luggage... and best of all, it would show us that IT IS POSSIBLE to live in a missions-trip mindset in everyday life.  Not only is it possible... but I think it's what Christ intended in the first place.

So my World Race envy is subsiding somewhat.  I still admire and respect everything that Bethsaida is doing, big time!  But no longer do I feel that pull of "I have to go OVER THERE to 'do missions.'"  Now the pull is: "Jesus, give me a full-time, 24/7 missions-trip mentality right where I am, wherever I am.  Give me that hyper-vigilance to the Holy Spirit at ALL times, always ready, always prepared, always looking to serve and give and love."  I have a long.... LONG.... ways to go before I can get there.  But my path is set.  I now know my calling.  I'm called to be a missionary.

Agenda: Love,
amy:)

The Hardest Words To Sing

When I was little, I used to cry when the ball would drop on New Year's Eve.  Everyone else would be saying "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!" and blowing horns and celebrating, and I'd be sitting there bawling my eyes out.  When this first started to happen, I remember that my mom would say "what on earth is wrong with you?"  And I would say "I miss the old year!!"  It was actually quite hilarious and entertaining for my family members.

Now that I'm grown [?], I find myself getting emotional during ball-drops for a totally different reason.  New Year's Eve is usually a time when people reflect on the past twelve months, make resolutions [boo resolutions] and reflect on their successes and failures.  For me, New Year's Eve since 2002 has meant looking back at the past twelve months and being overwhelmed with gratitude for God bringing me through another year.  I find myself thinking about the difficulties and trials that I faced, and realizing that God has brought me through every single one - and that I'm standing on my feet in my right mind at the end of another year as a living testimony.  There's always a point during a NYE service where I can do nothing but stand and allow tears to fall as I become overwhelmed by the faithfulness of God.

2010 was a very difficult year, and a very incredible year.  I still haven't written my 2010 "reflection note" - hopefully that will come soon - but some of the highlights and lowlights were:

• Returning to Israel for the second time and falling even more in love with the Beautiful Land
• Planning & executing a young adult conference, missions trip and retreat all in the same year
• The death of my grandfather & other family-related struggles
• Seeing breakthroughs happen in the BTKIDS ministry
• Co-leading an amazing but unbelievably difficult missions trip to the Philippines
• Sue adopting baby Levi from Ethiopia
• Experiencing an entire year of health-related problems that are still unresolved
• Meeting and starting a relationship with an incredible man :)

These were the memories that were pouring through my mind as I sat at the Brooklyn Tabernacle for their 7PM and 10PM New Year's Eve service, but especially the last two.  The most amazing blessing and the most difficult challenge of 2010 were going with me into 2011 - figuratively and literally, as one was sitting next to me and the other was affecting my body fairly strongly even at that moment.  What was so interesting was how the two services affected me in totally different ways, and how God spoke to me through both of them. 

At the 7PM, I was so filled with joy and excitement and gratitude that I thought I might start flying while Onaje was singing!  Miguel tactfully and thoughtfully switched spots with me mid-worship so that I could stand on the end of a row [yeah, I definitely need the end of a row], and my hands couldn't be lifted high enough.  I wanted to scream and shout and dance, which I did with a level of restraint appropriate for a BT service :)  Yes, I was remembering the struggles and I knew that I still had problems going into 2011, but my spirit was so encouraged and revived in God's presence.  I remember at the end of the service just whispering "I love you Jesus" over and over, and I could literally almost hear him saying, "I love you too, Amy" right back to me.  The sense of closeness to the Lord and the peace of His presence was overwhelming.  I couldn't wait for the 10PM service to do it all over again.

But the 10PM service was quite different.  For some reason, between services, I lost that sense of God's presence.  My mind started being attacked.  My body started to experience another wave of pain.  Fear started to creep into my mind and my heart.  And I suddenly experienced the near-loss of my voice right at the beginning of worship.  Fighting the temptation to start the "why, God"s - I reminded myself that I couldn't control the circumstances I was facing, but I could control how I responded to them.  I forced myself to lift my hands, sing when I could, praise God and thank Him regardless of what I was feeling - and I felt God speaking to me and saying, "these two services are a reflection of 2010 and will be a reflection of 2011.  You will have amazing, joyful moments when you feel so close to Me and you will worship from depths that you never thought possible.  But there will also be moments when you feel nothing - when you feel as though I've forgotten you and abandoned you, and when your heart and mind and body are broken.  But in all times and in all things, I will be faithful to you and I will uphold you and give you everything you need."  Despite the struggles and difficulties, I felt encouraged that I was fighting the good fight at that moment and not allowing my emotions to dictate my worship.

Until Joanne Brown stepped up to the microphone and began to sing More Than Enough.

I knew it was coming the minute I heard those opening chords.  I knew that I was about to come face-to-face with God over the main issue that was burdening my heart, and I didn't want to.  There have been songs throughout the years that I have had a VERY difficult time singing.  When I was battling with an extremely intense period of mental warfare, I found myself physically unable to sing the last line of the second verse of I Bless Your Name:

Some midnight hour, if you should find
You're in a prison in your mind
Sing out in praise, defy those chains
And they will fall in Jesus' name.

I'd get to that line and have to stop singing, because I felt that I was singing out and defying - but the chains weren't falling.  It took years before I could finally sing that line by faith, and then later by sight.

This past year, it was the song Healer - and I couldn't bring myself to sing "You heal all my disease," because I felt like I was telling a lie... He hadn't healed my disease.  I felt hypocritical singing "I believe You're my healer" when I was battling daily with whether or not God even wanted to heal me.  And God eventually showed me that the song wasn't about an act of healing, it was about a Person and about my trust in Him to "hold my world in His hands" as I waited for my healing.

And then, on a similar note, I got to More Than Enough.  I've been believing God and trusting Him for healing [and other things] for a long time now, and those things haven't happened yet.  And as this song started to play, my mind flashed back to a scene in the movie Facing the Giants where one of the characters desperately wanted to have a child and wasn't able to do so.  She had just come out of the doctor's office where she had, again, been told that she wasn't pregnant - and she stood by her car, crying, and said to God, "Even if You never give me a child, I will still love You."  Flash forward to the last day of 2010 as I'm sitting in my seat at BT, listening to Joanne begin to sing "Jehovah Rapha... You're my healer and by Your stripes, I have been set free."  And I felt God speak to my heart and say, "even if I never heal you on this side of heaven, will you still love Me?"

My breath caught, and tears began to roll involuntarily.  To consider what God was asking me was almost too painful.  I knew He wasn't telling me that He wasn't going to heal me - He was simply checking to see where my heart was... and it was struggling.  To live the rest of my life without being healed?  To never be able to just eat regularly like a normal person and not have to worry about what something might do to my stomach?  I sat and cried and battled - and it wasn't just the healing although that was first and foremost.  It was also, "what if I took away the man sitting beside you?  Would you still love Me?"  And, "what if I called you to leave your family, friends, everything and go to a remote part of the world to experience persecution and suffering for My name so that those who have never heard the gospel could hear it?"  In our minds, we always say "yes, Lord, I'd do anything for You" - but when we're confronted with the reality of those moments, it can easily become a different story.

The song continued, and I wrestled like I haven't wrestled in a long time.  Could I really sing, in spirit and in truth, the words "You are more than enough for me?"  Was 'just God' enough if I never received the miracles that I was praying for?  God was calling me to bring my own will and desires - even Godly ones and ones that are in line with His Word - under the subjection of His perfect sovereignty.  I didn't want to do that.  I wanted control.  I wanted to know what was going to happen with me, when and how I was going to be healed, what was to be the outcome of this relationship, how 2011 was going to operate - and God was calling me to let go of all of it.  And I thought of that woman in Facing the Giants, and how she was able to say through her tears, "even if You never give me a child - I will still love You."  And by the end of the song, through an incredible amount of pain, God gave me the grace to say, "Lord, even if You never heal me - I will still love You.  Even if You take away everything and everyone that I love - I will still love You.  Even if You 'slay me,' as Job said - I will still love You."

And on the last few lines, I lifted my hands and sang:

You are more than enough
More than enough
More than enough for me.

 

I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.'... That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

-The Apostle Paul [2 Corinthians 12:7-10]

I Am The Joneses

I tooooootally wasn't ready to have my mind blown this morning.

But before we get to that - I just have to get excited for a minute because IT IS OFFICIALLY THE CHRISTMAS SEASON!!!  I woke up on Friday, November 17th and made a beeline for my computer to pop on Christmas music [because, of course, everyone knows that it's practically sinful to play Christmas music before the day after Thanksgiving.  right????  *sigh* okay, unless you're involved in the Brooklyn Tabernacle Christmas production, in which case you're excused from September on].

But I really do geek out majorly over Christmas.  It is by FAR my favorite holiday [I'm sorry, Easter... I truly am].  I love Rockefeller Center and Advent calendars and putting up lights and the abundance of chocolate - I could go on forever.  And I love getting ready for bed on Christmas Eve and spending a long time talking with God and always feeling so close to Him on that night in particular.  I always try to imagine what it must have been like for those who first witnessed the baby Jesus and how totally amazing that must have been... and then I remember that most people missed it completely and that the only spectators were a few barnyard animals and shepherds... which gets depressing... sooooo BACK to the Christmas music!!!!  No, but seriously, then I usually just shift to thinking about Christ's return and how NOBODY'S gonna miss that one.  That usually helps.


But, despite my enamoration [new word #1] with Christmas, the thing that drives me absolutely batty is the commercialism.  Now, I know that I just said that I love Rockefeller Center - but that's more of the ambience and the "vibe" [that's for you, Kendolyn].  Same thing with store windows being decorated.  But when I walk past Bath and Body Works and I see a little advertisement that says "The Perfect Christmas" above some kind of dumb ornament, I want to either gag or throw things.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not anti-gift - it just has always bothered me that Christmas has become so Christ-less.  Family and gifts and eating together is all great - but it's not what the holiday is about... and I feel like Christ is being taken more and more out of Christmas altogether, even sometimes by those who bear His name as Christ-ones [Christians].


On the other hand... I still do love getting gifts for people, especially ones that take some creative thought :).  I had decided on this one particular gift that I was going to get for someone this Christmas - and it was a little bit more expensive than I would normally go for a gift.  But I thought it would be such a great idea, so I started doing research to see where I could get the best deals, etc.  I knew that I was going to have a little extra money next month so I could justify my purchase - and I was all set to go.  Until my mind was blown this morning.


I recently began sponsoring a child in Central America through Compassion International - and I'm really excited about it so I was playing around with their website and I stumbled on this weird-looking ad called "Who Are The Joneses?"  I clicked on it and started reading, and basically the article was talking about the phrases "keeping up with the Joneses" - which basically means comparing yourself to those around you in terms of accumulating material goods... and feeling like you have to "stay even" with them in order to feel socially accepted.


And the article flipped and said, "But, who are the Joneses really?"  And then it said this sentence that began the mind-blowing process. 

If you make $43,000 a year, you’re in the top 12% of earners in the world.

That's right.  The WORLD.

My jaw began to slowly drop, but it practically unhinged when I was transferred to a website called whoarethejoneses.org.  I was asked to put in my annual salary and, after a bit, it took me to a graph and told me that I am richer than over 90% of the people on this planet... and that I am the Joneses.  Meaning that, for the purposes of this illustration, over 90% of the world is "comparing" themselves to me.

I just sat there at my computer not knowing what to say or even think.  I know about world poverty.  I don't consider myself a spender or someone who has to have the latest whatever.  I've been to third-world countries and sat in squatter homes and read the charity:water campaigns - but somehow, that little graph made it so personal.  Not just "anyone who makes this amount of money is in this percentage."  But me PERSONALLY.  God has ordained for me... Amy... a person who never considered herself to be even close to rich... to be wealthier than over 90% of the world's people.  And this sense of responsibility just crashed down on me like a ton of bricks.  The idea of getting that expensive gift became almost repulsive, even though my intention was good.  I just started to pray and say "God - WHY did you allow me to be born here in this country of affluence?  How come I wasn't one of the billion people who don't have access to clean drinking water?  Or one of the 1.2 billion who earn less than $2 a day?"

I don't know the answer to that question.  But I do know that it isn't coincidence, and it isn't fair.  There's no reason why I should have abundance where others have lack - but yet God has placed me here.  So what do I do?  Don't know yet.  But I know that it will be something, and that I have a feeling this Christmas might be very different from Christmases past.

I am the Joneses.  Wow.